Crimson Peak: More Like Crimson Cringe

Ghosts are real, this much I know. There are things that tie them to a place, very much like they do to us. Some remain tethered to a patch of land, a time and date, the spilling of blood, a terrible crime… There are others, others that hold onto an emotion, a drive, loss, revenge, or love. Those, they never go away.

I must say horror is totally not my thing. I run from it most of the time. And that’s probably why it took me so long to watch this movie. But Guillermo del Toro and his ceilingless house just forced me to do it. I don’t regret it.

Edith Cushing meets Thomas Sharpe. Their chemistry is non-existent and cringe worthy to the bone. I could roll my eyes straight out of my skull through most of the scenes shared by  Mia Wasikowska and good old Loki.

Tom Hiddleston, there’s something about this guy. Something I’m finding hard to like. He seems dislocated, it’s like you can start to believe he’s better off sticking to the stage. (Not that I have anything against theatre, quite the contrary, I’m just saying not every actor as to be incredible at both) His demeanor is too big for the screen, it’s exaggerated.
He’s a great piece of ass though. (Yes, we need like half a century worth of objectifying comments to balance out the scale and we can start by Hiddleston if we must)

That dude from Sons of Anarchy was pretty decent. And his relationship with ghosts is a nice detail. I also enjoyed her cliché of a father, actually would prefer they spent more time working on that relationship than trying to prove to me Edith Cushing is super duper feminist, because that doesn’t come up at all when they truly get down to business. Her independent “I don’t need a husband” ways are totally irrelevant, they don’t even serve as a reinforcement to their love story. Though I must applaud her for that thing with the pen, it was super Jason Bourne.

Lucille Sharpe. The thing about Jessica Chastain, how brilliant she might be (and she totally is), is that this evil mumbo jumbo convinced no one. I suppose she’s just too sweet/charming/kind looking, or the direction wasn’t really that clear, but she doesn’t really seem that much of a lunatic or even that dangerous. They could have such an incredible character here, her story is so twisted and uncomfortable, all the incest innuendo is so intriguing, and I found it to be mostly wasted on a more or less flat interpretation.

That thing with the ball was very promising. The dog is hands down the best character besides the freaking house. The only downside is that it offers too much leverage. It’s like you know nothing bad can happen if shes holding a freaking dog. That’s sort of an universal law, that’s why kids hug their stuffed animals when they’re scared and why I keep my dog close to me when nobody’s home at night. Freaking ghosts don’t show up when there’s dogs around (or any pet as a matter of fact), it’s a well known fact.

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The visuals are very nice, despite the fact that these ghosts look like shit. The way they position the camera with the objects and the house is oh, so very good horror movie style, it more than suffices. The chemistry between the house and the camera is the best thing, it beats the main couple by miles. It is mostly the substance that fails.
Crimson Peak is totally watchable, heck, it’s actually a fine movie. But it could have been so much more that it just leaves me… Damn. Damn. Damn.

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